Boom Boom.

Birthday.

Today I turn 22.
It’s whatever.  Just another birthday.

But I really wish, more than anything, that you were here.
It’s all i want.

this is real.

the weekend is happening.
and in no way am i ready for it.
i oddly enough cannot wait until tuesday.

mundane update.

beer and cheese make me happy.
but an entire bowl of cheese is fo reals way to much.

Guide to the Greenery

So I wrote my boss a guide to working at the flower shop.  It’s sort of so she can train people and not forget anything.  I was told to post it.  Feel free to reblog and make me an internet superstar.

Chapter 1

Opening

So when it comes to opening the shop, I promise you it’s really not that deep.  When you are planning on being in at 10, prepare yourself for a text at 930 from Judy saying something along the lines of “can u open? Cardboard”, “running late – can you open?”, or “can u open? taking care of the dogs”.  Always say yes because what else are you going to do?  Sit outside the shop!? That only happens on mother’s day/prom weekend when Kevin is in charge.  Below is the order of how I do things when it comes to opening:

1.       Park in Hot Bens spot.  Unless it’s a holiday where there’s no school, the summer, the weekend, or if he’s there.  If he’s there…embrace it.

2.       Open with code 1954

3.       Open the fence.  38-16-28.

4.       Turn on lights and radio (otherwise its dark and crazy quiet)

5.       Clock in

6.       Log into real computer, (.mgr)

7.       I would say take the sign out but we always forget. It’ll happen eventually.

8.       Answer messages.  Pray to God that if there are some….they don’t talk your ear off.  If they talk really fast, widen your eyes and brace yourself.

9.       Get some buckets.  I normally do them roughly 2 at a time in case somebody walks in

10.   Wait for Judy.  If she was late for a reason other than cardboard…stare at her until she tells you what was happening.  Expect a range of answers from “Deputy peed on Gatsby” to “6 hours of vodka.”

Chapter 2

Processing

You will always be able to tell what kind of day it is (if it’s a MWF) by the way that the delivery of flowers goes.  If Chip drops everything off and is completely calm….excellent.  If he’s running around with pieces of paper with peoples orders written on them flying everywhere….run.  Most of the time, the second one happens when there are a crazy number of boxes, normally when there’s weddings/philosophy/holidays.  So…here you go.  How to Process.

·         I initially get roughly 5 of each bucket.  You’re going to separate them by general color scheme and they’re normally red, white, purple, yellow, and pink.  For some reason I never got a Gerber bucket right away….don’t ask why, I don’t know.  I would always wait until I saw the Gerber’s to decide.  Sometimes if they’re small they can fit in a regular size.  Whatever. I’m weird.

·         Roses

·         I always did roses first.  They are the slowest and most mundane processing of all of the flowers.  Sometimes their nice and not thorny.  Other times it is like chopping down a forest on every stem.  Knives help.  Wield it ferociously and tenderly.

·         Always cut the stems underwater.  If you don’t then air goes into the stem and you pretty much suffocate the flower. Congratulations.  You are a murderer.

·         Hydrangea

·         Hydrangeas are rad. I like them.  I always would pull them out of the box and cut the water pocket thing off.  It’s really gross.  Don’t even touch it. Just cut above it.  After I did that I’d run the water and come back to take the plastic and leaves off.  By the time you’re done, the sink should be filled.  While back there, I would make sure that the bucket fits on the ground and has room around it for the water drops.

·         Prepare for the bathroom to smell like a pool if the window isn’t open.

·         Carnations

·         I. Hate. Carnations.  That’s a lie…I hate mini carnations. They always get wrapped around each other like the most glorious stem orgy imaginable.   The heads always fall off and it’s annoying.  The only reason I put carnations in here is because you can’t cut them on the “knuckle” of the stem.  If so you are just awful.  Water won’t get to the flower, they will die, and the whole thing will have to start over again.

·         Tulips

·         Tulips are odd…so I figured I’d put them in here.   You have to take the lower most leaf off.  Do not tear it.  Gently use your knife.  Dip it into water to get all of the smuts off of it.  By the way…they’ll be smuts.  Stuff like sand and you know….dirt.

·         Everything else

·         Everything else has the same general gist

                                                               i.      Take all the leaves off

                                                             ii.      Cut on an angle

                                                            iii.      If the stem is slimy or white…go ‘uhhh this isn’t right”, show Judy, and most likely wrap them back up because they’re moldy.

·         Finishing

·         Don’t do cardboard yourself.  Let Bill do it. It’s his favorite thing in the world.  If you keep it there then chances are he won’t be in your way. 

·         There is no more satisfying feeling than sweeping after processing.  You don’t even…it’s awesome.  Just do it.

·         WASH YO HANDS. They’re going to be green.

Chapter 3

The Phone

The phone.  The two most haunting words to ever be dealt with in the flower shop.  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes the people on the phone are a delight.  Other times they’re not.  This is the part where I am going to attempt to help you get through almost any situation.

1.       The loud talker

a.       This will automatically catch you by surprise.  They will be yelling into the phone JUST IN CASE you’re deaf.  I like to call this “The Norm Phelps Syndrome”.  Normally these people are just really pumped to get flowers (see below).  They’re harmless.  You just have to be able to adjust your eardrums.

2.       The excited person

a.       This person tends to talk fast. Really fast.  Whenever I enter information into the computer I always have a set order I go in…these people don’t care.  They will start talking about everything and anything flower related. This is how the conversation will go “BLAH BLAH I REALLY WANT TO SEND FLOWERS BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND BUT I WAS THINKING THIS DO YOU HAVE THIS IF YOU DON’T THAT’S FINE THEN WE’LL DO THIS BLAH BLAH BLAH THE CARD SHOULD SAY *insert novel here* BLAH BLAH AND HERE’S MY CARD NUMBER”.  While in your mind you’re thinking ‘…..I just want your phone number” it is imperative to attempt to remember as much as you can at all times otherwise they’ll get mad.

3.       The slow talker/person that doesn’t know what they want

a.       This person normally comes with a lot of awkward silences and questions that you will never be able to thoroughly answer.  It helps if they found something online. It also helps to have the website open because a lot of times the people refer to very specific arrangements.  Those ones are normally the elderly couple whose spouse is louder than them and is telling them what to do so you automatically hear everything twice.  It’s like the most unpleasant echo that you can’t escape.  As much as you want to try and suggest something to this person…don’t unless they ask.  Otherwise they’ll get mad and feel like they’re rushed.

Obviously there are many more but I found those are the most common 3.  Sometimes you have people who really don’t know what they’re talking about i.e. people who think the fruit basket is a veggie basket.  Make sure you’re good at talking on the phone because you never know when Judy is going to listen to a possible recording of it.  If there is a call from a random state prepare for it to be another florist that wants to send something over the Dove that’s going to get rejected.  If you see Justflowers, 1-800 flowers, or GAR management, press the mute button and walk away. 

Chapter 4

Walk In Customers

If somebody walks into the shop, look into their eyes.  I promise you this will give you insight into what they want.  Here are the meanings:

·         Big eyes with excessive looking around: have never been into a flower shop and have no idea what they’re doing.  Expect them to be completely alarmed at the price.

·         Squinty eyes headed straight to the cooler: This isn’t their first time at the rodeo.  There are 2 categories of squinty eye customers:

o   Those who know exactly what they’re looking for:  They have a set budget, know the color scheme, and occasionally know what flowers are.  These people are excellent.  They know that the florist will do what’s best but give preference.

o   Those who believe that they were a florist in another life: This person will start naming flowers left and right but will most likely not know that they aren’t in season.  Or they will give flowers the wrong names.  If you don’t have something they want…they will throw a mini temper tantrum by means of sighing and eye rolling.  If they keep asking for something and you honestly don’t know what to do…get Judy.  It’s better to admit that you can’t do it and get them better help than just be stupid.  I hate these people. But whatever.

·         People on a mission

o   Some people will come into the shop looking like they have a mission that doesn’t deal with flowers.  Be prepared for this person to know Judy personally in the form of a good friend or a cousin she hasn’t seen in years. You think I’m kidding. I’m not.

·         Running man

o   $50 says this person did one of the following:

§  Forgot a special occasion i.e. birthday, anniversary, etc.

§  Did something really bad and need to rectify the situation

§  Need quarters

Giving them what they want

If people want an arrangement in a vase, ask if Judy wants to do it.  Unless of course you’re my opposite and are really good at that…then have fun.  TAKE AWAY BOUQUETS, however, are a delight.  Once you know the general pricing of stems they’re really fun to do.  Just make sure you ask them if they want a card, if they want that card attached, and if they need a water source.  If they do ask if tubes are ok.  If they don’t want tubes a paper towel wrapped around the freshly cut stems and dipped in water will do (only if it’s going to not see water for a little while).

Chapter 5

What to do in your down time

Sometimes you don’t have anything to do.  Most of the time there’s something you can do.  Enjoy.

·         Sweep

·         STEAM CLEAN! Yes. My favorite.

·         Buckets

·         Grid.  Best time filler ever.

·         Dust/clean cooler glass

·         Organize your table.  Don’t just move stuff up to the shelves (as tempting as it may be) but legit clean it

·         Organize the ribbon. By color.

·         Water tubes…..I hate water tubes but they’re a necessity

Chapter 7

Special occasions

Ok so…with special occasions (mainly proms and weddings) comes a constant flow of boutonnieres and corsages.  Prepare yourself now for endless counting and hand cramps.

·         Wiring and taping

o   This is really time consuming and mundane.  But if you get it done yourself than Judy doesn’t have to and that just makes for a better work environment.  The way I dealt with this was by making it an assembly line.  I’d do each of the following in groups

§  Count.  Each wrist corsage gets 7 heads of spray roses (if they’re standard).  If it’s a mixed, ask what is wanted.  I put groups of them together so I knew how many I had to do.  If I had 3 standard white spray rose corsages I’d have 3 groups of 7 heads. If there is a list with a number and flower make sure you know what’s going on.  Does that 3 mean 3 corsages or 3 heads.  THE DIFFERENCE CAN BE FATAL

§  Wire. Sometimes roses are stupid. If you hear them crack be aware because they might die.  All daisies and various flowers get wired from the top

§  Tape.  Stretch the tape as you go. That’s all I got

§  Spray everything with crowning glory

§  Count again

When it comes to weddings you need to be prepared to be a critical thinker.  You might have to deal with things such as sewing sunflowers, how to attach flowers to crutches, and how to sink an orchid.  The last one doesn’t sound difficult but it involves weights, and trips to the bead bar at the painted plate, and hardware stores, and fishing line that can only be found in Eagle Pennsylvania.

Other than that you really just need to be prepared for craziness.  Because every single time there’s a big event there seems to be an increase in the amount of stupid people that walk through the door.

Chapter 8

Judes.

Hopefully I have filled you in on the inner workings of the shop.  This brings us to our last chapter.  And while I am a little pissed that the number of chapters isn’t divisible by 5 this is BY FAR the most important chapter.  This is completely dedicated to the one and only Judith Shaw.  I have compiled a list of all things you need to know about her.

·         She knows everyone.  Seriously. Ask her about the time she drank with Butch Patrick.  You can’t make this up.

·         When you walk in and she’s wearing her glasses she most likely has had a rough and busy morning.  If you come in at opening and she has them on she either 1.) has been to Ways and back, taken cardboard away, and been to a funeral or 2.) was in contact with some weird mold thing and her eyes are FREAKING OUT

·         Her stories are so ridiculous that they must be true

·         When she went to a get together with her in-laws be prepared for a 20 min conversation about them.  Prepare  for it randomly to come up again hours late

·         Speaking of in-laws here’s the rundown: They’re crazy.  Dom laminates things and Joan wears pilgrim shoes.  Nobody can do the impression of Joan like I can so if you need a good reference….let me know.

·         If she’s snappy she’s’ going to apologize. 

·         If 2 pm comes around and it’s almost time for you to leave…offer food.  She probably hasn’t thought about eating and really needs to.

·         The key to making her happy is lemon Snapple or a malt shake from McDonalds.

·         If you talk with your mouthful she was disapprove

·         She loves her husband.

·         Her body language on the phone gives away the type of person she’s talking to.  If she has a gossipy tone it’s probably Kim.  You’re allowed to give random input on this conversation because Kim is a delight.  If she’s monotone then it’s just a regular person.  If she’s walking around and goes into a full on back bend….prepare yourself.

·         Sometimes she gets packages in the mail.  If she smirks it’s probably a present for Kevin that she isn’t telling him about.  If she hugs it and scuttles to the back…it’s wine.

·         If she likes you she will think about you when drunk

·         She likes beer. A lot. And her friend Marianne likes alcohol. A lot.  Prepare for the next day to be full of told antics.

·         Her manners are immaculate.  You will pick them up.

·         Don’t stand in her way.  She will run you over.  If it’s busy and she needs to go somewhere get as close to the wall as possible.

·         She will always ask your opinion on everything from the way an arrangement looks to something she’s thinking of doing.  Give your honest input, she takes it into consideration

·         She will always remind you how cool and awesome she is and how you have the best job ever

·         She finds forgetting to wear a belt and a certain peasant top she owns to be the most annoying things ever.  Sometimes she wears these on the same day.  Be prepared

·         She hates whining.  (However, before I left she whined herself. Terrible)

·         She brings Gatsby into the shop every Wednesday.  That is a whole other portion of the job that needs it’s own book.

If you read all of this….you’re a champion.

mayhaps

I might be moving to lehigh valley post summer? I just need a local job and boom I’m there.

I’m really sad.

i dont understand.

i see how you look at me. nothing has changed. not one bit. this time makes 3. i’m a better person in general. it’s not over yet. admit it.